NorCal CoDA, PMB #230, 1800 21st Street, Sacramento, CA 95811-6812

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Am I Co-Dependent?   

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

   Denial Patterns:

  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
  • I label others with my negative traits.
  • I can take care of myself without any help from others.
  • I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
  • I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
  • I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. 

   Low Self Esteem Patterns:

  • I have difficulty making decisions.
  • I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. 
  • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
  • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
  • I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
  • I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
  • I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
  • I perceive myself as superior to others.
  • I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
  • I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
  • I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

   Compliance Patterns:

  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
  • I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
  • I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  • I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
  • I accept sexual attention when I want love.
  • I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
  • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

   Control Patterns:

  • I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
  • I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  • I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  • I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
  • I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 
  • I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. 
  • I demand that my needs be met by others. 
  • I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
  • I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. 
  • I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 
  • I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
  • I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
  • I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

   Avoidance Patterns:

  • I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.  
  • I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
  • I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
  • I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. 
  • I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
  • I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
  • I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
  • I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
  • I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. 
  • I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
  • I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Revised and voted to adopt changes by group conscience at the annual CoDA Service Conference of Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship July 2010. The Patterns and characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors - All Rights reserved.

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Recovery Patterns of Codependence

Denial Patterns

Codependence

Recovery

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns

I have difficulty making decisions.

I trust my ability to make effective decisions.

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."

I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.

I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.

I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others’ approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.

Compliance Patterns

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.

I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another’s plans.

I accept sex when I want love.

My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

Control Patterns

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.

This website is maintained by the Regional Committee of Northern California Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc., aka "NorCal CoDA" (or "NCC" for short).

Last Update: 02/24/2011

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